Friday, September 16, 2011


So, I just finished Lori Foster's Trace of Fever, and I loved it! She is an amazing author and I aspire to be even half as good at my craft as she is at hers.
Her books leave me feeling happy and content, however, they make me think. I consider myself a realist, but I can't help wonder if what I love to read and write are effecting my view on reality...

When I think of how I view relationships, I wonder if I have it all wrong. Will my desire to have, what I view as romance in a relationship, effect my judgment on that relationship? What if the person I get with isn't very romantic? Or what if they've expended their desire to be on someone who didn't appreciate it? Will I feel differently about them?

The men in the books I read are meant to be near perfect, I mean, aren't all women looking for the perfect man? Sure, they have flaws, if they didn't I'm sure the reader would see it and not connect as well. But, do men like that actually exist?

The kind that surprise you, spur of the moment, just because. Send you a random text or call or card just to show they were thinking about you. Like to hold your hand or caress your skin, just because they felt the need to touch you; to show you you're loved. The kind that aren't afraid to show affection in public and genuinely care for your feelings.

In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and you do not need to spend a lot of money to show how you really feel.

I know most women who write Romance can do it well because they have the added bonus of a man like that at their side. But how many men actually think to be sweet or romantic without some kind of prompt from their women or a required holiday?

I'm a bit jaded in my young age, I know. I guess I'm just worried that I perpetually have my head in the clouds.

I'm sure most men can be romantic, but honestly, it's not a requirement. It's just a nice thought...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


It's been a long couple of days, but life seems to be getting back on track. I've spent some much needed time with my best friend and it allowed us to talk through a lot. It wasn't easy saying or hearing some things, but it is so good to have her back. More than anything, I have missed our connection.

We seperated the last of our things and officially closed the door on our life together. More tears were shed, more memories were boxed and life goes on. For as hard as it was in the end, I wouldn't change a second of the life we shared.

To my amazingly strong friend, I wish for nothing but happiness.

Five months gone today, a lifetime ahead, one step closer to being happy again.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Life changed. Self lost. She walks to find her.

She misses feeling complete. She's tired of fighting, tired of being sad. Ready to give in, give up the life she had.

Gloomy gray clouds gather and rain starts to pour. Still she walks. The wind whistles and whips, drying the perspiration on her skin.

The sun fails to shine, inside as well as out.

Walking helps her think. Helps her put life into prospective with every additional step on the hard pebbled earth. The mile track twists and turns as the dark clouds move above her. The world seems to mirror her inner turmoil. 

Tears streak down her cheeks, salt mixing with rain water. She's out of breath. Out of sorts.

The sirens aren't loud enough to take her attention away from the taunting in her head. All her focus remains on the fact that she was not enough. Will never be good enough. 

She thought she'd risen above, triumphed over the pain. But her fear and sorrow have swallowed the best of her. 

She now fights with herself. Afraid to go back to that dark place. The place where a sharp knife or full pill bottle whisper tales of a painless and loving world. A world the coward in her aches to be a part of. She knows it's a battle she just might lose

The wind kicks up and knocks her off balance, it is a feeling she knows all too well. She takes a step in direction again, only to be stopped by the sound of shattering glass. 

She eases her mind from selfish thoughts, only to scramble for a feeling other than panic as reality sets in. 

The vibrating sky is only outdone by the roar of a beast on the ground. No time to run or hide, she darts for the the nearest workout station. Latching on to the metal, she prays it is rooted far enough in the ground. 

Debris is hurled at her, wood and metal hit the ground like bombs. She forgets what the building is supposed to look like as it is deformed and battered. Half of the glory it used to be. 

The roar is defening. Cars fly through the air. Trees are ripped at the root. Life in every measure is destroyed as she barely clings to her own. Her body is weary, heavy is her heart. Hands and thighs grip metal with a bruising strength. 

Rain slick fingers slide off one by one. She grabs blindly at nothing as her arms are swept behind her. Levered in the air, half anchored to the ground, she closes her eyes to the destruction, to the sickening knowledge that she will not get to say goodbye. 

Suddenly, a calm comes over her. Phantom arms wrap her in warmth, fill her with the love she has longed for these last few months.

She drowns in memories shared. Pictures flash like a viewfinder on her closed eyelids. Finally, she is at peace.

The last of her strength fails as the metal between her legs bends and groans. With one final thought of her Love, she is swept into the vortex, happiness filling her heart.  

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


It's funny really, I sometimes sound so confident in who and am and what I want but in reality, as time goes by, I'm almost more unsure than not. More confused and frustrated now that I have been.

I'm currently drifting in some seriously turbulent and uncharted waters. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing in consideration to dating. 

I've talked to plenty of people and have learned from some, that when they where cheated on or had there hearts broken that they chose to go somewhat crazy afterword. 

Sewing oats and jumping head long into one crazy experience after another. So it begs the question, should I be taking this time to have every experience possible?   

My mind tells me that I'm 25, unattached and therefore free to do as I please. But my heart tells me otherwise, I'm just not that type of person. In theory, I know what I want, but does it actually exist?

I'm a simple creature really, I just want someone honest and loyal. Someone that will share fajitas with me. Stay up all night watching Friends or cartoons or poetry, and actually like it. Someone who wants to take road trips nowhere. Someone to play cards with. Someone lighthearted that can make me laugh. 

But above all, someone I can make smile. I want someone to cook for, someone that will sometimes let me be the big spoon, someone that I can buy random little nic-nacs for -even though I know they will just turn into clutter- for no other reason then just to see them smile. 

Someone that appreciates me, even for my flaws. Someone that understands, I'm still figuring me out and when I tap into an unknown part, sometimes I become so amazed that I lose sight of other things. Someone strong enough to reel me in and set me straight when my daydreaming gets the best of me. 

I will always drop what I'm doing to be there for someone I love, and go out of my way to help with anything. So why is it so bad to be wanted for who I am and not what I can give someone, physical or otherwise. To get to know someone, find out common interests, have fun together, and all that without muddying it up with sex.

And at the base of all my confusion is still the nagging feeling that I had all that. I may not want the person I had, in that sense, anymore, but I want what we had. It was so incredibly easy, so natural, never forced, and almost never doubted.

So I'm plagued with more questions. What if you only get one chance at true love and don't fight to keep it? What if you give up on it and then are destined to live life with an imitation of what you once had? Or worse, constantly searching for it. 

Am I a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world? Or am I just being whinny and impatient? 

When will I just be content with me?...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I know its been a while since I posted, but for the most part, my personal life has been pretty uneventful. 

I've spent a lot of time working on me and getting threw the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a good friendship. I'm still not over what happened, I'm sure that will take a very long time, but I'm confident in what I feel, and thats closure. 

I've even decided I'm ready to try dating.

At first I was surprised at the amount of people interested in me. But as I began to get my confidence back, I realized, that I'm a pretty good catch. 

Of course I have flaws, who doesn't? But I have a lot to offer anyone who is worthy. And unlike before, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough to be loved. 

Still, something is nagging at me. Does everyone say terrible, hurtful things to those they love when they are angry? 

Whether it is from a spouse or parental figure, verbal abuse has always been a constant in my life. During these last few months, this is something that's weighed heavily on me.

I guess I just don't understand what it is about me that screams 'doormat'. Why is it so easy for the people I love to tell me I'm worthless? 

Because of what I've been through in my life, I make it a point not to have regrets. However, I'm in no way a saint. I have said things I didn't mean during fights, but I would never knowingly cause someone intentional grief. Especially not if they have earned my love. 

I really don't understand. Apparently it has become the norm to lash out when angry. Maybe its true what they say, we always hurt the ones we love...

I've never really dated. I've always just started a relationship, made my spouse my main focus and put all of me into making them happy. Now I've learned there has to be some balance, some equality. You can't be completely selfless, but you can't be completely selfish, either. I have to find someone that is willing to give me as much as I will surely give them. 

No one is perfect. Everyone, to some degree, has issues. But at what point in a relationship, when you realize it has become all about them, do you stop and say "hey, what about me?" 

So, in my month of dating I've found people that only want to use me, people that want to possess me and shallow people that find me lacking. 

I've even felt love again, but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I guess I need to make sure I don't lose myself in another person. 

I've struck out in love several times in my short life. But I'm not ready to give up. I'm scarred and damaged but there is enough of me left to give that one worthy person.

Now that I'm happy with me, I'm confident I can make someone else happy as well. The way that they deserve. And I know, that I deserve the same...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

New life...

Me month has been enlightening. I’ve had good days and bad days. Days where I haven't thought about the past at all and then days where I feel choked by it. Days where I could care less and then days where I'm just so mad at being treated like a meaningless blimp in life, that I see red.

I've spent time with new friends and built on existing relationships. I've been getting out all my pent up energy at the gym and trying to find a reason to be grateful everyday. When I am sad I try to find things to perk me up instead of allowing myself be miserable.

In venturing me I've had some amazing and surprising experiences and found I don't have a single regret. Writing is going well. The short story I had started has morphed into a novella and I have high hopes for it. Also, I'm extremely thankful to have someone to edit that isn't doing it out of, what I feel, is obligation.

The tattoo is a work in progress but I have chosen something that represents me at this point in my life. The original tattoo I will still probably get, but it will be because I want it and not as a reminder of what I failed in. What I was denied.

All in all, I'm happier everyday. Do I still miss my best friend? More than anyone will ever know. Does it sting that I am not missed as well? You have no idea. But right now she has to make her own decisions and all I can do is project positive thoughts and hope for her happiness in the paths she chooses.

Now, I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try for a genuine smile everyday...

Monday, April 11, 2011

To whom it may concern:

To whom it may concern:

I know I haven't always done or said the right things. I know all this hell is my karma for being a terrible person, your wrath is well deserved I'm sure. But there is only so much a person can take. If you wouldn't mind taking a step back to notice that I'm on the edge, that would be greatly appreciated

Oh and while you're at it, could you please cease use of the bat, sledge hammer, anvil, or what ever blunt object you are currently using to pulverize my heart. I have found that even though it may be amusing to you, I can not live off crumbles and dust for long.

The Girl With The Broken Heart 

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Me Month

March is over. Goodbye and good riddance. I'm afraid this month will never be quite the same for me. But over the last few weeks of 'singleness' I have come to a decision. I'm letting go. It's not about winning or losing, my life is not a game. It's about what truly makes us happy.

I've decided that letting go is not the same as giving up- however close it may be. I have to see through the hurt and get past the betrayal. I know I'm still a tad bitter -ok maybe a lot- but I think that’s understandable and warranted. I went from being secure with myself, in my life, with my Love and those around me, to the unknown. And I'm not just talking about the future, I feel as though I didn't know those around me as I thought I had.

If nothing else, my love has always been the one thing given truly and unconditionally. It hurt that my love was doubted but it hurts even more that I now doubt myself. My confidence and self worth have disappeared. But I’m determined to find myself, the real me, not the me I am to make someone else happy.

 I know that you don't always have control over who you love, but I also know that love is not bought. It is a gift that is meant to be cherished. I believe I'm a good person and deserve happiness, deserve someone who is true and faithful. Someone who will stand by me not only in the good but in the bad as well. Because life isn’t always black and white and I'm sure as hell not perfect.

Forgiveness is something I've always been pretty good at giving, but the depth of deceit and pain will make it a little harder to achieve in this situation. I will give it eventually because its part of moving on, and I can't truly move on with out forgiveness.

So, I have decided April is going to be Me Month. I'm going to concentrate on what makes me happy, on finding myself and doing things just for me. I might do a few things out of character, but I think that’s ok. Maybe the me I've been isn’t the real me at all.

So here's to me and hoping that tattoos don’t really hurt as bad as people say...

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Monday, March 21, 2011


First night away from home and all alone. I haven't slept alone in over a decade. The bed is too big. I'm so tired from moving yet I cant sleep. All I can do is stare at the empty space beside me. 

I sure hope this ache goes away. I can't live like this forever...

Monday, March 14, 2011


I finally got a chance to go buy a book I've been wanting to read. Hidden Away by Maya Banks, I adore her writing. I've had it by my bed for over a week, but I just haven't been able to get past the first page. Of course I got the book the day I found out.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this book or the other two in the series. I enjoy reading no matter what type of book it its-however I prefer Romance. So today I'm staring at the book, it's not long and intimidating. It doesn’t have an ominous, unwelcoming cover. So why don't I want to read it?

Why would I want to read about people finding true and undying love when I've just lost mine? That has to be the problem right? Seriously, I need to just get on with my life. Sure its only been a couple of days, but I'm just so tired of being... tired.

 As a family member of mine recently said, "if five years was so easily dismissed, maybe it was for the better." So, no more crying, no more fighting for someone who isn’t willing to fight as well. Just, no more.

Well, that was the plan until my phone alerted me I had a text. My once best friend now sends me a message saying she wants things to be ok with us. Dinner and a movie she asks and I immediately start bawling like a pathetic baby.

Does anyone know how bad I would love to go? to feel like my life is back to normal for even a small amount of time? I miss your friendship, the easy family we had all settled into. But will I be able to be around her knowing she took my life from me? No. So I say "thank you but, no" and go about packing.

Because what it all boils down to is, I feel betrayed and used. I feel she used our friendship to find ways to take my Love from me, to mold herself into the perfect girlfriend. And like my family said, it was obviously a dismissible relationship or else my Love would not have been persuaded so easily.

Through this dark, lonely time in my life one friendship has prevailed. One person has stuck behind me and that is who I will be spending my time with. (Thank you so much) Trying to find the me that is truly... me. I will never again allow myself to be that open with someone. I will play my cards closer to my chest and work harder on my poker face.

I will NEVER become so completely engrossed in another human being that they have the ability to utterly devastate me in the end.

So I sit here, with my book open, on page twenty so far. I will move on and I will be happy again, I just need time. A lot longer than a couple of days, thats for sure...

Friday, March 11, 2011


Well, I'm not enjoying being single. They obviously are. I'm glad not many people read this, because this is really not who I am. I'm not this whining, self pitying, sad all the time, person. I normally try to always smile, to see the positive in everything. But I cant see any positive in this.

Not only am I weepy and whinny all the time, but I'm filled with hate. Never in my life have I truly hated someone -well, maybe my grade school bully. If I never hear her name or see her face again for the rest of my life it will be too soon.

I wrote today for the first time in two weeks. What came out has ended up being our current story. Surprise, surprise. That’s all I've been able to write on here. And this one, I think they will never know about. Sad too, because I think it is probably my best yet.

I will be moving out over the next week or so. And as I pack, I cry. Separating the big stuff is nothing compared to the small.
Everything holds a dear memory, and my heart breaks a little more with every small treasure.

I need to take myself out of 'wife mode' but I cant seem to. I want what is best for my Love, I truly do and I'm afraid that in its self will keep us from being the friends we once were. So I have been officially single for one whole day, home alone, to deal. My Love, however has already been out to get drunk and as I speak is probably off seeing if there feelings can be transferred to a physical relationship.

Isn't life grand? Some people can be ok with just a slice of happiness in there life and others have to have the whole damn cake. So, I'm doing my best not to act like the cheated on girlfriend, but I cant seem to help how completely wrecked I feel. Obviously what we had takes less than a day to get over.

I hate people some times!...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Granny. Can you hear me?

God, how I wish you were here. You always had the best advice, the softest shoulder to cry on, the prettiest smile to cheer me up. The last time I was in a situation like this, you were their for me, like always. I know I can talk to you now, that you can hear me, I know you feel my pain. But I need more.

Just this once I want to wish for a miracle. Just this once I'd love to feel your strength and courage wrapped around me in the form of the most amazing hug. What would you tell me to do this time? When all seems lost and my soul is breaking, what words would be balm to the pain?

I know my wish will not be granted.

I'm so lost. I feel as if night has fallen and there is no daylight in sight. All I need to find my way is a flashlight, a candle, the sound of a heart the beats only for me. So I know, that I'm destined to hover in the darkness alone...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Unending questions, no answers in sight.

I turned 25 on Saturday. My wonderful family had a party for me, complete with not one, but two cakes. I was able to think and feel, if only for a couple of hours, that things were normal again. So despite what has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life, I had an ok day. Now, on with the whining...

Is it true that in relationships there is always some level of dishonesty?

Not telling how much money was actually spent on occasion. Saying their dinner was good when in actuality, you had to choke it down. Saying they look nice in an outfit when really, you think its just not their color.

Does everyone make these 'white lies' for the benefit of their spouse, to keep from hurting them or avoiding a fight?

Am I a complete fool for holding steadfast to traits that others find a rarity in their relationships? I'm in no way saying that all relationships lack honesty and loyalty. Just from observing the relationships around me -including the other side of mine- I worry that they might be aspects of a partnership that have lowered in importance.

I don't always do or say the right things, I'm by no means innocent where the problems in my life are concerned. I just want to know if the relationship I thought I had is actually one possible of existing...

Have you ever lied to your spouse? Rationalized it your head as being ok because what you hide would just hurt them unnecessarily? Have you ever found out your spouse was lying to you and thought it would have been better not to know? Wished things could just go back the way they were?

In my opinion, you can't fix something if you don't know its a problem. And as I have learned lately, I would rather be in the know and deal with the hurt than go about life blissfully unaware of the impending broken heart.

So am I stupid for still wanting to make it work? I have personally seen couples get through cheating and abuse, so why can I not work for something so less complicated? No decisions have been made. Unending questions, no answers in sight. 

261 weeks
1828 days
43,872 hours
2,632,320 minutes
157,939,200 seconds
5 years and 2 days of love and now my relationship hovers in limbo...

Friday, March 4, 2011


I've lost it... My happy is gone. And with it, my writting. I just cant find the want to do any of my favorite things anymore. Something has died inside me...

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Today, is a beautiful day. This bridge I'm sitting on affords a amazing view of the park and it's pond. I love these kind of places, I love the serenity they offer.

Today, however I'm having trouble finding peace. Even as I lay across the wooden boards to glance at the sky. Its a comforting, soft blue, appropriate for the month as its like staring into my aquamarine engagement ring.

As twilight approaches, fewer clouds linger in the sky. But the ones that do are a pillowy white streaked with hot pink.

The cold breeze is blowing ripples in the brownish-green water. Today, I feel like the pond. Like every turbulent ripple is an emotion I can't name or handle.

Today, I should feel better. At least to some extent because I'm not going to lose my heart. But I feel as though I already have. 

They say the eyes are the windows the the soul. And the ones I love to loose myself in no longer reflect what they once did. 

My anger gave way to deviation. I find in order to get back even some of our previous normalcy I will have to set aside my pride and insecurities. 

That is something I'm prepared to do, but I can't help but wonder if it's already to late.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, maybe I just need to give it time. But as I tell myself that, my heart nags at me. I just get the feeling that time will not be enough. I just can't help but worry, that my love will not be enough...  

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Having an FML day...

Ok, so this is going to be a 180 from my last post, but I've just had the shit shocked out of me and I need to vent. I apologize ahead of time. 

So, I'm sure we have all had situations where we thought one thing, only to find out the exact opposite. Case in point, hearing the person you love more than anything tell you their unsure about your relationship. And why? Well, thats the best part, because they have feelings for someone else.

Oh, its confusing and painful and you know that this world you two have created hasn't always been roses. But seriously, you feel like nothing could be worse then them doubting your love. 

Ha! You can be so wrong! 

So, remember when I said life would be dim without people you love around you, sharing in your happiness?

I never thought I would second guess something I have always believed in, but I have learned my lesson. Boy, have I ever! 

Because if you get close to someone, you open yourself up to being hurt. I know, I just stated the very obvious. But in my case I'm not talking about being hurt by a significant other, I'm talking about a friend. Someone you thought was one of your best friends. 

That's right folks, the thing that you see happen to others or in shows, but never think it could happen to you. 

So now, my five year relationship is in limbo until they decide how they feel. And in the meanwhile a previously happy home is now a prison because I won't feel comfortable coming out of my room. Although, with the whole writing thing, I've been un-fun and un-social anyway. It's not like I'll be missed too much.

And while I'm wallowing in self pity, I feel the a complete fool, the butt of the joke. Don't understand why I say that? I was the LAST to know. I had no idea what was going on, I was completely blind and last night I even rambled on about how thankful I was for my Love, and how looking forward to the future I was.

My heart aches, the laughing echoing in my head, I'm mocking myself. I should have seen it. The guilt gifts, the late talks, the "it's ok if you are to tired, I'll just hand out with her" crap.

Arrg, I feel so stupid and betrayed. And to think I was looking at commitment rings. 

Ha! Happy anniversary indeed...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Thoughts/ramblings on life and love...

Have you ever loved someone so much that you'll forgive and forget anything? The kind of all consuming love that when you think of the possibility of losing it, you can’t breathe? ...

What is that saying? That the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. How depressing is that? If you had the chance to choose any guarantee in life, what would you choose? Endless wealth, lifelong health?  Without hesitation I would choose love.
I know, sappy. But, in my life I have been very lucky. I have seen my share of wealth, been extremely luck with health and been even luckier in love. No, not all that has panned out the way I thought it would. The money ran out, my health is sometimes questionable and love, well, as does anyone, I have to work at it.
But in my opinion, experiences in life aren’t near as enjoyable if you don’t have someone to share them with. I’m not just talking about romantic love; it can be the love of family, or friends. When you get a promotion at work, reach a goal, or even win at the casino, don’t you want someone to share in the happiness with?
I can’t imagine myself without the love that now surrounds me. When I published my first short story, the first person I told was my Love. I wanted them to see that through their support I had been able to find the courage to realize my dream.
Five years is a long time to love someone. With any relationship, you make concessions and compromises. You have ups and downs, and we’ve had our share. But at what point does a person decide the ups aren’t good enough to deal with the downs?
And now, as we and others around us take a closer look into relationships, I find even the bad times aren’t worth giving up for. Because I have that kind of love. The best of friends turned lover, unconditional, all consuming, live for their smile, share everything with, best sex in the world, love.
Five days away from five years and I definitely want to fight for five more.

Monday, February 28, 2011

First muttering...

Hi, thanks for checking out my blog and please bare with me as I am very new at this.

A little about me: I'm not funny or witty, so I doubt what you read here will be either. Unless I'm having an off day, then you might be slightly amused. But no guarantees. I consider myself very open minded and non-judgmental. Basically, I'm just your everyday person.

I love to read and write, if I'm not doing one I'm almost definitely doing the other. I'm sure much to the dismay of my love and friends, as I am less social when doing either-- hope that made sense...

Really, I have been writing since I was a teenager- which I'm sure is the same for most writers. Truth be told, a poor attempt at poetry caused by a broken heart started my writing. Although I have always carried a journal or as is normal for most young girls, the oh-so-cherished diary. I'm not going to lie, my young attempts at poetry or 'happily ever after' stories where no good and really just a shy, lonely girls way of trying to make her world a brighter place.

Now, I'm slightly better and have decided to share my attempts with the world. Currently, I write Romance and Erotica under a pen name, I haven't decided whether I want to publish anything under my real name yet or not. I never thought I would take the more 'naughty' route with my writing- I was surely shocked. But I guess in hindsight, growing up with a smutty father, it was bound to happen. =)

Anyway, I live in Missouri and share a house with my three best friends, one of then just happens to sleep in my bed. =) We are all animal lovers and have an obscene amount of them. When they're not driving us crazy, chowing down all our money or covering it in the litter box, they are really great.

My life is pretty boring, if something extraordinary happens I'll make sure to give everyone a reprieve from my whining and share...