Thursday, March 31, 2011

Me Month

March is over. Goodbye and good riddance. I'm afraid this month will never be quite the same for me. But over the last few weeks of 'singleness' I have come to a decision. I'm letting go. It's not about winning or losing, my life is not a game. It's about what truly makes us happy.

I've decided that letting go is not the same as giving up- however close it may be. I have to see through the hurt and get past the betrayal. I know I'm still a tad bitter -ok maybe a lot- but I think that’s understandable and warranted. I went from being secure with myself, in my life, with my Love and those around me, to the unknown. And I'm not just talking about the future, I feel as though I didn't know those around me as I thought I had.

If nothing else, my love has always been the one thing given truly and unconditionally. It hurt that my love was doubted but it hurts even more that I now doubt myself. My confidence and self worth have disappeared. But I’m determined to find myself, the real me, not the me I am to make someone else happy.

 I know that you don't always have control over who you love, but I also know that love is not bought. It is a gift that is meant to be cherished. I believe I'm a good person and deserve happiness, deserve someone who is true and faithful. Someone who will stand by me not only in the good but in the bad as well. Because life isn’t always black and white and I'm sure as hell not perfect.

Forgiveness is something I've always been pretty good at giving, but the depth of deceit and pain will make it a little harder to achieve in this situation. I will give it eventually because its part of moving on, and I can't truly move on with out forgiveness.

So, I have decided April is going to be Me Month. I'm going to concentrate on what makes me happy, on finding myself and doing things just for me. I might do a few things out of character, but I think that’s ok. Maybe the me I've been isn’t the real me at all.

So here's to me and hoping that tattoos don’t really hurt as bad as people say...

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Monday, March 21, 2011


First night away from home and all alone. I haven't slept alone in over a decade. The bed is too big. I'm so tired from moving yet I cant sleep. All I can do is stare at the empty space beside me. 

I sure hope this ache goes away. I can't live like this forever...

Monday, March 14, 2011


I finally got a chance to go buy a book I've been wanting to read. Hidden Away by Maya Banks, I adore her writing. I've had it by my bed for over a week, but I just haven't been able to get past the first page. Of course I got the book the day I found out.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this book or the other two in the series. I enjoy reading no matter what type of book it its-however I prefer Romance. So today I'm staring at the book, it's not long and intimidating. It doesn’t have an ominous, unwelcoming cover. So why don't I want to read it?

Why would I want to read about people finding true and undying love when I've just lost mine? That has to be the problem right? Seriously, I need to just get on with my life. Sure its only been a couple of days, but I'm just so tired of being... tired.

 As a family member of mine recently said, "if five years was so easily dismissed, maybe it was for the better." So, no more crying, no more fighting for someone who isn’t willing to fight as well. Just, no more.

Well, that was the plan until my phone alerted me I had a text. My once best friend now sends me a message saying she wants things to be ok with us. Dinner and a movie she asks and I immediately start bawling like a pathetic baby.

Does anyone know how bad I would love to go? to feel like my life is back to normal for even a small amount of time? I miss your friendship, the easy family we had all settled into. But will I be able to be around her knowing she took my life from me? No. So I say "thank you but, no" and go about packing.

Because what it all boils down to is, I feel betrayed and used. I feel she used our friendship to find ways to take my Love from me, to mold herself into the perfect girlfriend. And like my family said, it was obviously a dismissible relationship or else my Love would not have been persuaded so easily.

Through this dark, lonely time in my life one friendship has prevailed. One person has stuck behind me and that is who I will be spending my time with. (Thank you so much) Trying to find the me that is truly... me. I will never again allow myself to be that open with someone. I will play my cards closer to my chest and work harder on my poker face.

I will NEVER become so completely engrossed in another human being that they have the ability to utterly devastate me in the end.

So I sit here, with my book open, on page twenty so far. I will move on and I will be happy again, I just need time. A lot longer than a couple of days, thats for sure...

Friday, March 11, 2011


Well, I'm not enjoying being single. They obviously are. I'm glad not many people read this, because this is really not who I am. I'm not this whining, self pitying, sad all the time, person. I normally try to always smile, to see the positive in everything. But I cant see any positive in this.

Not only am I weepy and whinny all the time, but I'm filled with hate. Never in my life have I truly hated someone -well, maybe my grade school bully. If I never hear her name or see her face again for the rest of my life it will be too soon.

I wrote today for the first time in two weeks. What came out has ended up being our current story. Surprise, surprise. That’s all I've been able to write on here. And this one, I think they will never know about. Sad too, because I think it is probably my best yet.

I will be moving out over the next week or so. And as I pack, I cry. Separating the big stuff is nothing compared to the small.
Everything holds a dear memory, and my heart breaks a little more with every small treasure.

I need to take myself out of 'wife mode' but I cant seem to. I want what is best for my Love, I truly do and I'm afraid that in its self will keep us from being the friends we once were. So I have been officially single for one whole day, home alone, to deal. My Love, however has already been out to get drunk and as I speak is probably off seeing if there feelings can be transferred to a physical relationship.

Isn't life grand? Some people can be ok with just a slice of happiness in there life and others have to have the whole damn cake. So, I'm doing my best not to act like the cheated on girlfriend, but I cant seem to help how completely wrecked I feel. Obviously what we had takes less than a day to get over.

I hate people some times!...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Granny. Can you hear me?

God, how I wish you were here. You always had the best advice, the softest shoulder to cry on, the prettiest smile to cheer me up. The last time I was in a situation like this, you were their for me, like always. I know I can talk to you now, that you can hear me, I know you feel my pain. But I need more.

Just this once I want to wish for a miracle. Just this once I'd love to feel your strength and courage wrapped around me in the form of the most amazing hug. What would you tell me to do this time? When all seems lost and my soul is breaking, what words would be balm to the pain?

I know my wish will not be granted.

I'm so lost. I feel as if night has fallen and there is no daylight in sight. All I need to find my way is a flashlight, a candle, the sound of a heart the beats only for me. So I know, that I'm destined to hover in the darkness alone...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Unending questions, no answers in sight.

I turned 25 on Saturday. My wonderful family had a party for me, complete with not one, but two cakes. I was able to think and feel, if only for a couple of hours, that things were normal again. So despite what has probably been one of the worst weeks of my life, I had an ok day. Now, on with the whining...

Is it true that in relationships there is always some level of dishonesty?

Not telling how much money was actually spent on occasion. Saying their dinner was good when in actuality, you had to choke it down. Saying they look nice in an outfit when really, you think its just not their color.

Does everyone make these 'white lies' for the benefit of their spouse, to keep from hurting them or avoiding a fight?

Am I a complete fool for holding steadfast to traits that others find a rarity in their relationships? I'm in no way saying that all relationships lack honesty and loyalty. Just from observing the relationships around me -including the other side of mine- I worry that they might be aspects of a partnership that have lowered in importance.

I don't always do or say the right things, I'm by no means innocent where the problems in my life are concerned. I just want to know if the relationship I thought I had is actually one possible of existing...

Have you ever lied to your spouse? Rationalized it your head as being ok because what you hide would just hurt them unnecessarily? Have you ever found out your spouse was lying to you and thought it would have been better not to know? Wished things could just go back the way they were?

In my opinion, you can't fix something if you don't know its a problem. And as I have learned lately, I would rather be in the know and deal with the hurt than go about life blissfully unaware of the impending broken heart.

So am I stupid for still wanting to make it work? I have personally seen couples get through cheating and abuse, so why can I not work for something so less complicated? No decisions have been made. Unending questions, no answers in sight. 

261 weeks
1828 days
43,872 hours
2,632,320 minutes
157,939,200 seconds
5 years and 2 days of love and now my relationship hovers in limbo...

Friday, March 4, 2011


I've lost it... My happy is gone. And with it, my writting. I just cant find the want to do any of my favorite things anymore. Something has died inside me...

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Today, is a beautiful day. This bridge I'm sitting on affords a amazing view of the park and it's pond. I love these kind of places, I love the serenity they offer.

Today, however I'm having trouble finding peace. Even as I lay across the wooden boards to glance at the sky. Its a comforting, soft blue, appropriate for the month as its like staring into my aquamarine engagement ring.

As twilight approaches, fewer clouds linger in the sky. But the ones that do are a pillowy white streaked with hot pink.

The cold breeze is blowing ripples in the brownish-green water. Today, I feel like the pond. Like every turbulent ripple is an emotion I can't name or handle.

Today, I should feel better. At least to some extent because I'm not going to lose my heart. But I feel as though I already have. 

They say the eyes are the windows the the soul. And the ones I love to loose myself in no longer reflect what they once did. 

My anger gave way to deviation. I find in order to get back even some of our previous normalcy I will have to set aside my pride and insecurities. 

That is something I'm prepared to do, but I can't help but wonder if it's already to late.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, maybe I just need to give it time. But as I tell myself that, my heart nags at me. I just get the feeling that time will not be enough. I just can't help but worry, that my love will not be enough...  

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Having an FML day...

Ok, so this is going to be a 180 from my last post, but I've just had the shit shocked out of me and I need to vent. I apologize ahead of time. 

So, I'm sure we have all had situations where we thought one thing, only to find out the exact opposite. Case in point, hearing the person you love more than anything tell you their unsure about your relationship. And why? Well, thats the best part, because they have feelings for someone else.

Oh, its confusing and painful and you know that this world you two have created hasn't always been roses. But seriously, you feel like nothing could be worse then them doubting your love. 

Ha! You can be so wrong! 

So, remember when I said life would be dim without people you love around you, sharing in your happiness?

I never thought I would second guess something I have always believed in, but I have learned my lesson. Boy, have I ever! 

Because if you get close to someone, you open yourself up to being hurt. I know, I just stated the very obvious. But in my case I'm not talking about being hurt by a significant other, I'm talking about a friend. Someone you thought was one of your best friends. 

That's right folks, the thing that you see happen to others or in shows, but never think it could happen to you. 

So now, my five year relationship is in limbo until they decide how they feel. And in the meanwhile a previously happy home is now a prison because I won't feel comfortable coming out of my room. Although, with the whole writing thing, I've been un-fun and un-social anyway. It's not like I'll be missed too much.

And while I'm wallowing in self pity, I feel the a complete fool, the butt of the joke. Don't understand why I say that? I was the LAST to know. I had no idea what was going on, I was completely blind and last night I even rambled on about how thankful I was for my Love, and how looking forward to the future I was.

My heart aches, the laughing echoing in my head, I'm mocking myself. I should have seen it. The guilt gifts, the late talks, the "it's ok if you are to tired, I'll just hand out with her" crap.

Arrg, I feel so stupid and betrayed. And to think I was looking at commitment rings. 

Ha! Happy anniversary indeed...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Thoughts/ramblings on life and love...

Have you ever loved someone so much that you'll forgive and forget anything? The kind of all consuming love that when you think of the possibility of losing it, you can’t breathe? ...

What is that saying? That the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. How depressing is that? If you had the chance to choose any guarantee in life, what would you choose? Endless wealth, lifelong health?  Without hesitation I would choose love.
I know, sappy. But, in my life I have been very lucky. I have seen my share of wealth, been extremely luck with health and been even luckier in love. No, not all that has panned out the way I thought it would. The money ran out, my health is sometimes questionable and love, well, as does anyone, I have to work at it.
But in my opinion, experiences in life aren’t near as enjoyable if you don’t have someone to share them with. I’m not just talking about romantic love; it can be the love of family, or friends. When you get a promotion at work, reach a goal, or even win at the casino, don’t you want someone to share in the happiness with?
I can’t imagine myself without the love that now surrounds me. When I published my first short story, the first person I told was my Love. I wanted them to see that through their support I had been able to find the courage to realize my dream.
Five years is a long time to love someone. With any relationship, you make concessions and compromises. You have ups and downs, and we’ve had our share. But at what point does a person decide the ups aren’t good enough to deal with the downs?
And now, as we and others around us take a closer look into relationships, I find even the bad times aren’t worth giving up for. Because I have that kind of love. The best of friends turned lover, unconditional, all consuming, live for their smile, share everything with, best sex in the world, love.
Five days away from five years and I definitely want to fight for five more.