Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I know its been a while since I posted, but for the most part, my personal life has been pretty uneventful. 

I've spent a lot of time working on me and getting threw the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a good friendship. I'm still not over what happened, I'm sure that will take a very long time, but I'm confident in what I feel, and thats closure. 

I've even decided I'm ready to try dating.

At first I was surprised at the amount of people interested in me. But as I began to get my confidence back, I realized, that I'm a pretty good catch. 

Of course I have flaws, who doesn't? But I have a lot to offer anyone who is worthy. And unlike before, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough to be loved. 

Still, something is nagging at me. Does everyone say terrible, hurtful things to those they love when they are angry? 

Whether it is from a spouse or parental figure, verbal abuse has always been a constant in my life. During these last few months, this is something that's weighed heavily on me.

I guess I just don't understand what it is about me that screams 'doormat'. Why is it so easy for the people I love to tell me I'm worthless? 

Because of what I've been through in my life, I make it a point not to have regrets. However, I'm in no way a saint. I have said things I didn't mean during fights, but I would never knowingly cause someone intentional grief. Especially not if they have earned my love. 

I really don't understand. Apparently it has become the norm to lash out when angry. Maybe its true what they say, we always hurt the ones we love...

I've never really dated. I've always just started a relationship, made my spouse my main focus and put all of me into making them happy. Now I've learned there has to be some balance, some equality. You can't be completely selfless, but you can't be completely selfish, either. I have to find someone that is willing to give me as much as I will surely give them. 

No one is perfect. Everyone, to some degree, has issues. But at what point in a relationship, when you realize it has become all about them, do you stop and say "hey, what about me?" 

So, in my month of dating I've found people that only want to use me, people that want to possess me and shallow people that find me lacking. 

I've even felt love again, but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I guess I need to make sure I don't lose myself in another person. 

I've struck out in love several times in my short life. But I'm not ready to give up. I'm scarred and damaged but there is enough of me left to give that one worthy person.

Now that I'm happy with me, I'm confident I can make someone else happy as well. The way that they deserve. And I know, that I deserve the same...