I've decided that letting go is not the same as giving up- however close it may be. I have to see through the hurt and get past the betrayal. I know I'm still a tad bitter -ok maybe a lot- but I think that’s understandable and warranted. I went from being secure with myself, in my life, with my Love and those around me, to the unknown. And I'm not just talking about the future, I feel as though I didn't know those around me as I thought I had.
If nothing else, my love has always been the one thing given truly and unconditionally. It hurt that my love was doubted but it hurts even more that I now doubt myself. My confidence and self worth have disappeared. But I’m determined to find myself, the real me, not the me I am to make someone else happy.
I know that you don't always have control over who you love, but I also know that love is not bought. It is a gift that is meant to be cherished. I believe I'm a good person and deserve happiness, deserve someone who is true and faithful. Someone who will stand by me not only in the good but in the bad as well. Because life isn’t always black and white and I'm sure as hell not perfect.
Forgiveness is something I've always been pretty good at giving, but the depth of deceit and pain will make it a little harder to achieve in this situation. I will give it eventually because its part of moving on, and I can't truly move on with out forgiveness.
So, I have decided April is going to be Me Month. I'm going to concentrate on what makes me happy, on finding myself and doing things just for me. I might do a few things out of character, but I think that’s ok. Maybe the me I've been isn’t the real me at all.
So here's to me and hoping that tattoos don’t really hurt as bad as people say...
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes
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