Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Life stopped 4/22/15

So. Life still sucks. My neurologist thinks I might be relapsing, again. That would be the third time this year. And with each relapse my life gets a little more unbearable. A little more bleak. 


This disease is taking over my life. I'm in pain and sad all the time. I had two. That's right TWO HUGS in one week. Don't know what a HUG is? That's okay, ill tell you. A MS HUG is like a lovely little heart attack, coupled with weak/shaky limbs and shortness of breath. Never had a heart attack? That's wonderful news. Heart attacks, for women, or just me maybe, start like really really bad heartburn then radiate all over your chest, before moving to your back. Followed by the feeling of nearly passing out, which means I cant even lift my head. Then the shallow breathing while I lay in the fetal position because it hurts so bad. These episodes last for about an hour, before I snap out of it as if nothing ever happened. That hour snaps my strength like working a 8 hour shift on my feet never could. I. am. Useless. Afterword. WORSE MS SYMPTOM EVER! 

I've been taking a shot 3 times a week, which is miserable. Has a chance of slowing the progression of my MS by 30%. Just 30%. What terrible odds. But I cant do nothing. I'm kind of disappointed though. I guess I had it in my head that it would make me normal. Well, normal enough that I could get back to life. But it hasn't. I still have terrible symptoms everyday. I cant even walk around Walmart for Christ sakes. It's just so frustrating. When telling my neuro that, she said that's normal but I also have to give the medicine time to work. How long? I want my normal back now! 


Had my disability appointment yesterday. That's right, I've had to apply for disability. I'm not even 30. :,( They sent me to a psychologist. I'm not sure why, or if this is normal, but she tested my brain power I guess. I was doing ok, really tried to focus and pay attention but I lost track of words a couple times, which was embarrassing. She didn't seem to get frustrated, but I still felt bad. She wanted to know if I got out or stay home. I cant go out, when I do everyone has to slow down for me or is always asking if I'm coming. I cant walk the mall or go shopping, I would need the sad cart after 15-20 min. I cant hold a conversation because I cant find words and most of the time I forget what I was saying mid sentence. The worst part, she asked me to remember 6 simple words, like red, and church (I sure remember them now!) had me repeat them back and then asked me a couple of regular questions, before asking me those words again. I couldn't remember them. After like 3 min they were just gone. I tried to remember so hard and when she had to give me multiple choice I cried. I got so upset. 

I have a brain eating immune system that has caused my life to become nothing but depression, numbness, pain and fear. Fear for now, fear for the future. Pain, so much pain. I just don't want to do this anymore. 

Is anyone listening? I've changed my mind, I don't wish for any of those things I said before. I'll take a boring old existence and ill never ask for anything again if you'll please just make it stop. Please just give me my life back. ...