Thursday, July 21, 2011


Life changed. Self lost. She walks to find her.

She misses feeling complete. She's tired of fighting, tired of being sad. Ready to give in, give up the life she had.

Gloomy gray clouds gather and rain starts to pour. Still she walks. The wind whistles and whips, drying the perspiration on her skin.

The sun fails to shine, inside as well as out.

Walking helps her think. Helps her put life into prospective with every additional step on the hard pebbled earth. The mile track twists and turns as the dark clouds move above her. The world seems to mirror her inner turmoil. 

Tears streak down her cheeks, salt mixing with rain water. She's out of breath. Out of sorts.

The sirens aren't loud enough to take her attention away from the taunting in her head. All her focus remains on the fact that she was not enough. Will never be good enough. 

She thought she'd risen above, triumphed over the pain. But her fear and sorrow have swallowed the best of her. 

She now fights with herself. Afraid to go back to that dark place. The place where a sharp knife or full pill bottle whisper tales of a painless and loving world. A world the coward in her aches to be a part of. She knows it's a battle she just might lose

The wind kicks up and knocks her off balance, it is a feeling she knows all too well. She takes a step in direction again, only to be stopped by the sound of shattering glass. 

She eases her mind from selfish thoughts, only to scramble for a feeling other than panic as reality sets in. 

The vibrating sky is only outdone by the roar of a beast on the ground. No time to run or hide, she darts for the the nearest workout station. Latching on to the metal, she prays it is rooted far enough in the ground. 

Debris is hurled at her, wood and metal hit the ground like bombs. She forgets what the building is supposed to look like as it is deformed and battered. Half of the glory it used to be. 

The roar is defening. Cars fly through the air. Trees are ripped at the root. Life in every measure is destroyed as she barely clings to her own. Her body is weary, heavy is her heart. Hands and thighs grip metal with a bruising strength. 

Rain slick fingers slide off one by one. She grabs blindly at nothing as her arms are swept behind her. Levered in the air, half anchored to the ground, she closes her eyes to the destruction, to the sickening knowledge that she will not get to say goodbye. 

Suddenly, a calm comes over her. Phantom arms wrap her in warmth, fill her with the love she has longed for these last few months.

She drowns in memories shared. Pictures flash like a viewfinder on her closed eyelids. Finally, she is at peace.

The last of her strength fails as the metal between her legs bends and groans. With one final thought of her Love, she is swept into the vortex, happiness filling her heart.  

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


It's funny really, I sometimes sound so confident in who and am and what I want but in reality, as time goes by, I'm almost more unsure than not. More confused and frustrated now that I have been.

I'm currently drifting in some seriously turbulent and uncharted waters. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing in consideration to dating. 

I've talked to plenty of people and have learned from some, that when they where cheated on or had there hearts broken that they chose to go somewhat crazy afterword. 

Sewing oats and jumping head long into one crazy experience after another. So it begs the question, should I be taking this time to have every experience possible?   

My mind tells me that I'm 25, unattached and therefore free to do as I please. But my heart tells me otherwise, I'm just not that type of person. In theory, I know what I want, but does it actually exist?

I'm a simple creature really, I just want someone honest and loyal. Someone that will share fajitas with me. Stay up all night watching Friends or cartoons or poetry, and actually like it. Someone who wants to take road trips nowhere. Someone to play cards with. Someone lighthearted that can make me laugh. 

But above all, someone I can make smile. I want someone to cook for, someone that will sometimes let me be the big spoon, someone that I can buy random little nic-nacs for -even though I know they will just turn into clutter- for no other reason then just to see them smile. 

Someone that appreciates me, even for my flaws. Someone that understands, I'm still figuring me out and when I tap into an unknown part, sometimes I become so amazed that I lose sight of other things. Someone strong enough to reel me in and set me straight when my daydreaming gets the best of me. 

I will always drop what I'm doing to be there for someone I love, and go out of my way to help with anything. So why is it so bad to be wanted for who I am and not what I can give someone, physical or otherwise. To get to know someone, find out common interests, have fun together, and all that without muddying it up with sex.

And at the base of all my confusion is still the nagging feeling that I had all that. I may not want the person I had, in that sense, anymore, but I want what we had. It was so incredibly easy, so natural, never forced, and almost never doubted.

So I'm plagued with more questions. What if you only get one chance at true love and don't fight to keep it? What if you give up on it and then are destined to live life with an imitation of what you once had? Or worse, constantly searching for it. 

Am I a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world? Or am I just being whinny and impatient? 

When will I just be content with me?...