Sunday, March 13, 2016

Hello, from deep down below..

I got good news from the neuro for the first time. Well, as good of news as I can get. My most recent scans show new lesions, but none are active. Which means I am in remission, or, my disease is "stable". The shots are working, which makes me happy, but at the same time, its bittersweet. I did a lot of damage last year not controlling my stress, damage that is PERMINATE and NOT reversible. I still cant walk well, my feet still hurt almost constantly, neuropathy is still a serious issue and my cognitive functions are a joke. I cant remember anything, I spend most conversations going "um, um, um, what's that word?" while the person I talk to just stares on like, "how the hell and I supposed to know?" Which leads to less conversations and me being around less people, which leads to me being alone more, which digs me deeper into the sad hole. I'm so fucking sad all the time.

The only time I'm not sad is when I'm sleeping or when Michael is home. Which means I sleep most of the hours he's away. My best friend has a new best friend, so I stay here alone. My old best friend has a new life so, I stay here alone. I cant stop thinking about people who are no longer here, they cant help me and I need to realize that. I'm quite pathetic really, It took me forever just to write this between my stupid brain and all the crying. Just sad..


 I got denied disability, which everyone in my MS group says isn't a surprise, everyone with MS gets denied the first time, but it sucks for me none the less. I'm responsible for half of everything in this house and am vastly running out of savings, leaving Michael to pick up the slack with money he doesn't have. If I'm not careful I'm going to relapse again, because, you know, things can never get worse! We worked so hard to get this house and I made it look so pretty, made it our home. Some days I try to tell myself I'm fine, that I can work and that ill bring in money and we'll be fine, then I go to grocery shop and am limping and walking like I'm 80 within 10 minutes or, I try to have a conversation and fail sadly and I just know I would fail just as miserably at a job. Maybe I've just freaked myself out about it, but I am terrified of having a HUG in public. Or looking like an idiot with how slow I've become, not just walking, but in my brain as well. I had a HUG at the laundromat last year, I drove 50 in a 35 all the way home and barely made it in the house before it go bad.


I just need to find my way back to me. Or the me I'm supposed to be with this disease. The old me is dead and gone, and the future me I had envisioned, is just a dream that will never come true. Ever..