It's funny really, I sometimes sound so confident in who and am and what I want but in reality, as time goes by, I'm almost more unsure than not. More confused and frustrated now that I have been.
I'm currently drifting in some seriously turbulent and uncharted waters. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing in consideration to dating.
I've talked to plenty of people and have learned from some, that when they where cheated on or had there hearts broken that they chose to go somewhat crazy afterword.
Sewing oats and jumping head long into one crazy experience after another. So it begs the question, should I be taking this time to have every experience possible?
My mind tells me that I'm 25, unattached and therefore free to do as I please. But my heart tells me otherwise, I'm just not that type of person. In theory, I know what I want, but does it actually exist?
I'm a simple creature really, I just want someone honest and loyal. Someone that will share fajitas with me. Stay up all night watching Friends or cartoons or poetry, and actually like it. Someone who wants to take road trips nowhere. Someone to play cards with. Someone lighthearted that can make me laugh.
But above all, someone I can make smile. I want someone to cook for, someone that will sometimes let me be the big spoon, someone that I can buy random little nic-nacs for -even though I know they will just turn into clutter- for no other reason then just to see them smile.
Someone that appreciates me, even for my flaws. Someone that understands, I'm still figuring me out and when I tap into an unknown part, sometimes I become so amazed that I lose sight of other things. Someone strong enough to reel me in and set me straight when my daydreaming gets the best of me.
I will always drop what I'm doing to be there for someone I love, and go out of my way to help with anything. So why is it so bad to be wanted for who I am and not what I can give someone, physical or otherwise. To get to know someone, find out common interests, have fun together, and all that without muddying it up with sex.
And at the base of all my confusion is still the nagging feeling that I had all that. I may not want the person I had, in that sense, anymore, but I want what we had. It was so incredibly easy, so natural, never forced, and almost never doubted.
So I'm plagued with more questions. What if you only get one chance at true love and don't fight to keep it? What if you give up on it and then are destined to live life with an imitation of what you once had? Or worse, constantly searching for it.
Am I a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world? Or am I just being whinny and impatient?
When will I just be content with me?...