Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Life sucks again..

Well, I only seem to need this outlet when my life is falling apart somehow and I need to vent. I guess that's I good thing though, since it's been years since my last post.

This isn't going to be eloquent, I really just need to bitch. I'm honestly just so mad. 

I feel like my life is going ok. I'm so in love, I feel like I've finally found the person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, and I want to do just that. 
My job is going well, I feel secure that I'll have this position for sometime and may even try to move up. 
We've decided to build a home and are super scared and excited for that. 
Everything just seems to be working out and going really well for once. 

Why can't things just be content? I am ok. Things are not crazy. No wild out of control events. No struggle. Not much stress. Just nice, day to day life. 

Life is good. 

Until I start to feel funny. Little blips I call them. I'm dizzy, I can't focus my eyes, and I'm "daydreaming" at random times. I don't lose consciousness but I can't pull myself out of it either. So, off to the doctor I go. 

Long story short, after a round of brain tests, what I was expecting to be epilepsy, has turned out to be M.S. 

Just writing about this makes me cry. I know this isn't the end of the world. And so many people have been nice enough to reach out to me to tell me how they live with this and have had a long life, but I'm so lost in the moment right now that all I can concentrate on is the bad. 

I'm just so mad! Why the fuck can't I just be happy?!!! I'm not asking for diamonds and Ferraris. I just want simple. I just want my moment where he asks me to marry him, a small wedding, a nice home, a simple not complicated life. Why can't I have that?! Why do I have to be sick to?! 


So, I've been lying about how often or how much I hurt. I just don't see why I need to complain all the time so I keep it to myself. I didn't know that what I was feeling were symptoms of M.S so that's my own fault but I feel like now that they have me on meds, the symptoms are worse. I feel like I've had my big ass in the gym for 5 hours everyday for the last week, and we all know I haven't seen the inside of one of those for years. I'm weak and slow, and best of all.. the tingles. 

My face tingles all over. You know how when you hyperventilate and get to much oxygen your lips will sometimes tingle? That's happening all over my face but most of all on my head. At this very moment, I feel like I'm wearing at hat. I could swear on a stack of bibles that I have a hat on my damn head. 

I'm. Not. Wearing. A. Hat.!! 

That awesome occurrence caused me to have a panic attack right before he went to work tonight. Probably not the best send off. But, he did have a stoke of genius. He went and got my hat for me. Now I don't feel like I'm crazy hat-wearing-don't-actually-have-a-hat-on-lady. 

I guess all this bitching is just that. I feel robbed of the simple life I want and I don't understand why. Did I dream too big? Did I do something wrong? Or do I really just have that bad of luck? 

And through it all, I worry most about him. What if this progresses worse then I fear? What if I can't walk down the isle?
There will be no babies. 
Will he have to pull my legs from bed everyday because I can't do it in my own? 
Will he have to hold my hand and help me stand and do everything for me? 
Will he have to feed me? 

What if he decides this isn't the life that he wants? It's not the life I want for him. 

And what if I'm just being a baby and it will all be alright? 

What if I should just be thankful that it isn't something untimely way worse?.. 

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