It's been a while..

I had a really difficult time this Christmas. It's hard to battle depression on any day, but particularly so during the holidays. At least I felt so.

Money is tight right now. I'm trying to keep my, and my boyfriends heads afloat with my meager wages. It's not working out so well. The economy is bad and he cant even seem to get a job at McDonalds. My stress level is so high I wonder why I haven't had an epic melt down yet.

Anyway, so this year, as much as I rejected the idea, we agreed not to do Christmas. Not one gift was given or received and I hated it. Giving presents is one of my favorite parts of the holidays. (cue 2 year old pouty face) It's also fun being asked, "what did you get for Christmas?" and having to answer, " uh, nothing." Instead, we pulled enough money together to help pay for Christmas Eve dinner with the family.

Christmas with my family was wonderful. We had a great dinner, managing to keep with the tradition of prime rib and baked potatoes, despite everyone's money woes. The kids opened gifts and we laughed and had a great time. I even got to sit and eat dinner with my ailing Papa. I couldn't have asked for a better time amiss all the stress.

But still, several times during the night I found myself spacing out. Thinking of the past and stressing about the future.

Is it bad that I still mourn my Granny, two years lost? Christmas with her was always my favorite. She was so festive and happy, decorating and making fudge and divinity. Her decorations are all over my family's home, making me miss her more. Making me wonder why it seems I'm the only one still sad. That's not fair, I know I'm not the only one still sad, I just seem to take longer getting over things.

Anyway, I know I haven't written here in a while. Sadly, my muse has been evading me for the last year and a half. I wonder if I'll ever find where she ran off to. However, I am glad that if nothing else, I can keep with my own little bit of tradition: Whining on my blog..

Romance?

So, I just finished Lori Foster's Trace of Fever, and I loved it! She is an amazing author and I aspire to be even half as good at my craft as she is at hers.
Her books leave me feeling happy and content, however, they make me think. I consider myself a realist, but I can't help wonder if what I love to read and write are effecting my view on reality...

When I think of how I view relationships, I wonder if I have it all wrong. Will my desire to have, what I view as romance in a relationship, effect my judgment on that relationship? What if the person I get with isn't very romantic? Or what if they've expended their desire to be on someone who didn't appreciate it? Will I feel differently about them?

The men in the books I read are meant to be near perfect, I mean, aren't all women looking for the perfect man? Sure, they have flaws, if they didn't I'm sure the reader would see it and not connect as well. But, do men like that actually exist?

The kind that surprise you, spur of the moment, just because. Send you a random text or call or card just to show they were thinking about you. Like to hold your hand or caress your skin, just because they felt the need to touch you; to show you you're loved. The kind that aren't afraid to show affection in public and genuinely care for your feelings.

In my opinion, actions speak louder than words and you do not need to spend a lot of money to show how you really feel.

I know most women who write Romance can do it well because they have the added bonus of a man like that at their side. But how many men actually think to be sweet or romantic without some kind of prompt from their women or a required holiday?

I'm a bit jaded in my young age, I know. I guess I'm just worried that I perpetually have my head in the clouds.

I'm sure most men can be romantic, but honestly, it's not a requirement. It's just a nice thought...

Closure...

It's been a long couple of days, but life seems to be getting back on track. I've spent some much needed time with my best friend and it allowed us to talk through a lot. It wasn't easy saying or hearing some things, but it is so good to have her back. More than anything, I have missed our connection.

We seperated the last of our things and officially closed the door on our life together. More tears were shed, more memories were boxed and life goes on. For as hard as it was in the end, I wouldn't change a second of the life we shared.

To my amazingly strong friend, I wish for nothing but happiness.

Five months gone today, a lifetime ahead, one step closer to being happy again.

Nightmare.

Life changed. Self lost. She walks to find her.

She misses feeling complete. She's tired of fighting, tired of being sad. Ready to give in, give up the life she had.

Gloomy gray clouds gather and rain starts to pour. Still she walks. The wind whistles and whips, drying the perspiration on her skin.

The sun fails to shine, inside as well as out.

Walking helps her think. Helps her put life into prospective with every additional step on the hard pebbled earth. The mile track twists and turns as the dark clouds move above her. The world seems to mirror her inner turmoil. 

Tears streak down her cheeks, salt mixing with rain water. She's out of breath. Out of sorts.

The sirens aren't loud enough to take her attention away from the taunting in her head. All her focus remains on the fact that she was not enough. Will never be good enough. 

She thought she'd risen above, triumphed over the pain. But her fear and sorrow have swallowed the best of her. 

She now fights with herself. Afraid to go back to that dark place. The place where a sharp knife or full pill bottle whisper tales of a painless and loving world. A world the coward in her aches to be a part of. She knows it's a battle she just might lose

The wind kicks up and knocks her off balance, it is a feeling she knows all too well. She takes a step in direction again, only to be stopped by the sound of shattering glass. 

She eases her mind from selfish thoughts, only to scramble for a feeling other than panic as reality sets in. 

The vibrating sky is only outdone by the roar of a beast on the ground. No time to run or hide, she darts for the the nearest workout station. Latching on to the metal, she prays it is rooted far enough in the ground. 

Debris is hurled at her, wood and metal hit the ground like bombs. She forgets what the building is supposed to look like as it is deformed and battered. Half of the glory it used to be. 

The roar is defening. Cars fly through the air. Trees are ripped at the root. Life in every measure is destroyed as she barely clings to her own. Her body is weary, heavy is her heart. Hands and thighs grip metal with a bruising strength. 

Rain slick fingers slide off one by one. She grabs blindly at nothing as her arms are swept behind her. Levered in the air, half anchored to the ground, she closes her eyes to the destruction, to the sickening knowledge that she will not get to say goodbye. 

Suddenly, a calm comes over her. Phantom arms wrap her in warmth, fill her with the love she has longed for these last few months.

She drowns in memories shared. Pictures flash like a viewfinder on her closed eyelids. Finally, she is at peace.

The last of her strength fails as the metal between her legs bends and groans. With one final thought of her Love, she is swept into the vortex, happiness filling her heart.  

Unsure...

It's funny really, I sometimes sound so confident in who and am and what I want but in reality, as time goes by, I'm almost more unsure than not. More confused and frustrated now that I have been.

I'm currently drifting in some seriously turbulent and uncharted waters. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing in consideration to dating. 

I've talked to plenty of people and have learned from some, that when they where cheated on or had there hearts broken that they chose to go somewhat crazy afterword. 

Sewing oats and jumping head long into one crazy experience after another. So it begs the question, should I be taking this time to have every experience possible?   

My mind tells me that I'm 25, unattached and therefore free to do as I please. But my heart tells me otherwise, I'm just not that type of person. In theory, I know what I want, but does it actually exist?

I'm a simple creature really, I just want someone honest and loyal. Someone that will share fajitas with me. Stay up all night watching Friends or cartoons or poetry, and actually like it. Someone who wants to take road trips nowhere. Someone to play cards with. Someone lighthearted that can make me laugh. 

But above all, someone I can make smile. I want someone to cook for, someone that will sometimes let me be the big spoon, someone that I can buy random little nic-nacs for -even though I know they will just turn into clutter- for no other reason then just to see them smile. 

Someone that appreciates me, even for my flaws. Someone that understands, I'm still figuring me out and when I tap into an unknown part, sometimes I become so amazed that I lose sight of other things. Someone strong enough to reel me in and set me straight when my daydreaming gets the best of me. 

I will always drop what I'm doing to be there for someone I love, and go out of my way to help with anything. So why is it so bad to be wanted for who I am and not what I can give someone, physical or otherwise. To get to know someone, find out common interests, have fun together, and all that without muddying it up with sex.

And at the base of all my confusion is still the nagging feeling that I had all that. I may not want the person I had, in that sense, anymore, but I want what we had. It was so incredibly easy, so natural, never forced, and almost never doubted.

So I'm plagued with more questions. What if you only get one chance at true love and don't fight to keep it? What if you give up on it and then are destined to live life with an imitation of what you once had? Or worse, constantly searching for it. 

Am I a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world? Or am I just being whinny and impatient? 

When will I just be content with me?...

Dating...

I know its been a while since I posted, but for the most part, my personal life has been pretty uneventful. 

I've spent a lot of time working on me and getting threw the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a good friendship. I'm still not over what happened, I'm sure that will take a very long time, but I'm confident in what I feel, and thats closure. 

I've even decided I'm ready to try dating.

At first I was surprised at the amount of people interested in me. But as I began to get my confidence back, I realized, that I'm a pretty good catch. 

Of course I have flaws, who doesn't? But I have a lot to offer anyone who is worthy. And unlike before, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough to be loved. 

Still, something is nagging at me. Does everyone say terrible, hurtful things to those they love when they are angry? 

Whether it is from a spouse or parental figure, verbal abuse has always been a constant in my life. During these last few months, this is something that's weighed heavily on me.

I guess I just don't understand what it is about me that screams 'doormat'. Why is it so easy for the people I love to tell me I'm worthless? 

Because of what I've been through in my life, I make it a point not to have regrets. However, I'm in no way a saint. I have said things I didn't mean during fights, but I would never knowingly cause someone intentional grief. Especially not if they have earned my love. 

I really don't understand. Apparently it has become the norm to lash out when angry. Maybe its true what they say, we always hurt the ones we love...


I've never really dated. I've always just started a relationship, made my spouse my main focus and put all of me into making them happy. Now I've learned there has to be some balance, some equality. You can't be completely selfless, but you can't be completely selfish, either. I have to find someone that is willing to give me as much as I will surely give them. 

No one is perfect. Everyone, to some degree, has issues. But at what point in a relationship, when you realize it has become all about them, do you stop and say "hey, what about me?" 

So, in my month of dating I've found people that only want to use me, people that want to possess me and shallow people that find me lacking. 

I've even felt love again, but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I guess I need to make sure I don't lose myself in another person. 

I've struck out in love several times in my short life. But I'm not ready to give up. I'm scarred and damaged but there is enough of me left to give that one worthy person.

Now that I'm happy with me, I'm confident I can make someone else happy as well. The way that they deserve. And I know, that I deserve the same...

New life...

Me month has been enlightening. I’ve had good days and bad days. Days where I haven't thought about the past at all and then days where I feel choked by it. Days where I could care less and then days where I'm just so mad at being treated like a meaningless blimp in life, that I see red.

I've spent time with new friends and built on existing relationships. I've been getting out all my pent up energy at the gym and trying to find a reason to be grateful everyday. When I am sad I try to find things to perk me up instead of allowing myself be miserable.

In venturing me I've had some amazing and surprising experiences and found I don't have a single regret. Writing is going well. The short story I had started has morphed into a novella and I have high hopes for it. Also, I'm extremely thankful to have someone to edit that isn't doing it out of, what I feel, is obligation.

The tattoo is a work in progress but I have chosen something that represents me at this point in my life. The original tattoo I will still probably get, but it will be because I want it and not as a reminder of what I failed in. What I was denied.

All in all, I'm happier everyday. Do I still miss my best friend? More than anyone will ever know. Does it sting that I am not missed as well? You have no idea. But right now she has to make her own decisions and all I can do is project positive thoughts and hope for her happiness in the paths she chooses.

Now, I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try for a genuine smile everyday...