Nightmare.

Life changed. Self lost. She walks to find her.

She misses feeling complete. She's tired of fighting, tired of being sad. Ready to give in, give up the life she had.

Gloomy gray clouds gather and rain starts to pour. Still she walks. The wind whistles and whips, drying the perspiration on her skin.

The sun fails to shine, inside as well as out.

Walking helps her think. Helps her put life into prospective with every additional step on the hard pebbled earth. The mile track twists and turns as the dark clouds move above her. The world seems to mirror her inner turmoil. 

Tears streak down her cheeks, salt mixing with rain water. She's out of breath. Out of sorts.

The sirens aren't loud enough to take her attention away from the taunting in her head. All her focus remains on the fact that she was not enough. Will never be good enough. 

She thought she'd risen above, triumphed over the pain. But her fear and sorrow have swallowed the best of her. 

She now fights with herself. Afraid to go back to that dark place. The place where a sharp knife or full pill bottle whisper tales of a painless and loving world. A world the coward in her aches to be a part of. She knows it's a battle she just might lose

The wind kicks up and knocks her off balance, it is a feeling she knows all too well. She takes a step in direction again, only to be stopped by the sound of shattering glass. 

She eases her mind from selfish thoughts, only to scramble for a feeling other than panic as reality sets in. 

The vibrating sky is only outdone by the roar of a beast on the ground. No time to run or hide, she darts for the the nearest workout station. Latching on to the metal, she prays it is rooted far enough in the ground. 

Debris is hurled at her, wood and metal hit the ground like bombs. She forgets what the building is supposed to look like as it is deformed and battered. Half of the glory it used to be. 

The roar is defening. Cars fly through the air. Trees are ripped at the root. Life in every measure is destroyed as she barely clings to her own. Her body is weary, heavy is her heart. Hands and thighs grip metal with a bruising strength. 

Rain slick fingers slide off one by one. She grabs blindly at nothing as her arms are swept behind her. Levered in the air, half anchored to the ground, she closes her eyes to the destruction, to the sickening knowledge that she will not get to say goodbye. 

Suddenly, a calm comes over her. Phantom arms wrap her in warmth, fill her with the love she has longed for these last few months.

She drowns in memories shared. Pictures flash like a viewfinder on her closed eyelids. Finally, she is at peace.

The last of her strength fails as the metal between her legs bends and groans. With one final thought of her Love, she is swept into the vortex, happiness filling her heart.  

Unsure...

It's funny really, I sometimes sound so confident in who and am and what I want but in reality, as time goes by, I'm almost more unsure than not. More confused and frustrated now that I have been.

I'm currently drifting in some seriously turbulent and uncharted waters. I've been in a relationship most of my adult life, and honestly, I have no idea what I'm doing in consideration to dating. 

I've talked to plenty of people and have learned from some, that when they where cheated on or had there hearts broken that they chose to go somewhat crazy afterword. 

Sewing oats and jumping head long into one crazy experience after another. So it begs the question, should I be taking this time to have every experience possible?   

My mind tells me that I'm 25, unattached and therefore free to do as I please. But my heart tells me otherwise, I'm just not that type of person. In theory, I know what I want, but does it actually exist?

I'm a simple creature really, I just want someone honest and loyal. Someone that will share fajitas with me. Stay up all night watching Friends or cartoons or poetry, and actually like it. Someone who wants to take road trips nowhere. Someone to play cards with. Someone lighthearted that can make me laugh. 

But above all, someone I can make smile. I want someone to cook for, someone that will sometimes let me be the big spoon, someone that I can buy random little nic-nacs for -even though I know they will just turn into clutter- for no other reason then just to see them smile. 

Someone that appreciates me, even for my flaws. Someone that understands, I'm still figuring me out and when I tap into an unknown part, sometimes I become so amazed that I lose sight of other things. Someone strong enough to reel me in and set me straight when my daydreaming gets the best of me. 

I will always drop what I'm doing to be there for someone I love, and go out of my way to help with anything. So why is it so bad to be wanted for who I am and not what I can give someone, physical or otherwise. To get to know someone, find out common interests, have fun together, and all that without muddying it up with sex.

And at the base of all my confusion is still the nagging feeling that I had all that. I may not want the person I had, in that sense, anymore, but I want what we had. It was so incredibly easy, so natural, never forced, and almost never doubted.

So I'm plagued with more questions. What if you only get one chance at true love and don't fight to keep it? What if you give up on it and then are destined to live life with an imitation of what you once had? Or worse, constantly searching for it. 

Am I a hopeless romantic living in a fantasy world? Or am I just being whinny and impatient? 

When will I just be content with me?...

Dating...

I know its been a while since I posted, but for the most part, my personal life has been pretty uneventful. 

I've spent a lot of time working on me and getting threw the loss of my marriage, as well as the loss of a good friendship. I'm still not over what happened, I'm sure that will take a very long time, but I'm confident in what I feel, and thats closure. 

I've even decided I'm ready to try dating.

At first I was surprised at the amount of people interested in me. But as I began to get my confidence back, I realized, that I'm a pretty good catch. 

Of course I have flaws, who doesn't? But I have a lot to offer anyone who is worthy. And unlike before, I no longer feel like I'm not good enough to be loved. 

Still, something is nagging at me. Does everyone say terrible, hurtful things to those they love when they are angry? 

Whether it is from a spouse or parental figure, verbal abuse has always been a constant in my life. During these last few months, this is something that's weighed heavily on me.

I guess I just don't understand what it is about me that screams 'doormat'. Why is it so easy for the people I love to tell me I'm worthless? 

Because of what I've been through in my life, I make it a point not to have regrets. However, I'm in no way a saint. I have said things I didn't mean during fights, but I would never knowingly cause someone intentional grief. Especially not if they have earned my love. 

I really don't understand. Apparently it has become the norm to lash out when angry. Maybe its true what they say, we always hurt the ones we love...


I've never really dated. I've always just started a relationship, made my spouse my main focus and put all of me into making them happy. Now I've learned there has to be some balance, some equality. You can't be completely selfless, but you can't be completely selfish, either. I have to find someone that is willing to give me as much as I will surely give them. 

No one is perfect. Everyone, to some degree, has issues. But at what point in a relationship, when you realize it has become all about them, do you stop and say "hey, what about me?" 

So, in my month of dating I've found people that only want to use me, people that want to possess me and shallow people that find me lacking. 

I've even felt love again, but I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I guess I need to make sure I don't lose myself in another person. 

I've struck out in love several times in my short life. But I'm not ready to give up. I'm scarred and damaged but there is enough of me left to give that one worthy person.

Now that I'm happy with me, I'm confident I can make someone else happy as well. The way that they deserve. And I know, that I deserve the same...

New life...

Me month has been enlightening. I’ve had good days and bad days. Days where I haven't thought about the past at all and then days where I feel choked by it. Days where I could care less and then days where I'm just so mad at being treated like a meaningless blimp in life, that I see red.

I've spent time with new friends and built on existing relationships. I've been getting out all my pent up energy at the gym and trying to find a reason to be grateful everyday. When I am sad I try to find things to perk me up instead of allowing myself be miserable.

In venturing me I've had some amazing and surprising experiences and found I don't have a single regret. Writing is going well. The short story I had started has morphed into a novella and I have high hopes for it. Also, I'm extremely thankful to have someone to edit that isn't doing it out of, what I feel, is obligation.

The tattoo is a work in progress but I have chosen something that represents me at this point in my life. The original tattoo I will still probably get, but it will be because I want it and not as a reminder of what I failed in. What I was denied.

All in all, I'm happier everyday. Do I still miss my best friend? More than anyone will ever know. Does it sting that I am not missed as well? You have no idea. But right now she has to make her own decisions and all I can do is project positive thoughts and hope for her happiness in the paths she chooses.

Now, I'm going to continue to put one foot in front of the other and try for a genuine smile everyday...

To whom it may concern:

To whom it may concern:

I know I haven't always done or said the right things. I know all this hell is my karma for being a terrible person, your wrath is well deserved I'm sure. But there is only so much a person can take. If you wouldn't mind taking a step back to notice that I'm on the edge, that would be greatly appreciated

Oh and while you're at it, could you please cease use of the bat, sledge hammer, anvil, or what ever blunt object you are currently using to pulverize my heart. I have found that even though it may be amusing to you, I can not live off crumbles and dust for long.

Sincerely,

The Girl With The Broken Heart 

Me Month

March is over. Goodbye and good riddance. I'm afraid this month will never be quite the same for me. But over the last few weeks of 'singleness' I have come to a decision. I'm letting go. It's not about winning or losing, my life is not a game. It's about what truly makes us happy.

I've decided that letting go is not the same as giving up- however close it may be. I have to see through the hurt and get past the betrayal. I know I'm still a tad bitter -ok maybe a lot- but I think that’s understandable and warranted. I went from being secure with myself, in my life, with my Love and those around me, to the unknown. And I'm not just talking about the future, I feel as though I didn't know those around me as I thought I had.

If nothing else, my love has always been the one thing given truly and unconditionally. It hurt that my love was doubted but it hurts even more that I now doubt myself. My confidence and self worth have disappeared. But I’m determined to find myself, the real me, not the me I am to make someone else happy.

 I know that you don't always have control over who you love, but I also know that love is not bought. It is a gift that is meant to be cherished. I believe I'm a good person and deserve happiness, deserve someone who is true and faithful. Someone who will stand by me not only in the good but in the bad as well. Because life isn’t always black and white and I'm sure as hell not perfect.

Forgiveness is something I've always been pretty good at giving, but the depth of deceit and pain will make it a little harder to achieve in this situation. I will give it eventually because its part of moving on, and I can't truly move on with out forgiveness.

So, I have decided April is going to be Me Month. I'm going to concentrate on what makes me happy, on finding myself and doing things just for me. I might do a few things out of character, but I think that’s ok. Maybe the me I've been isn’t the real me at all.

So here's to me and hoping that tattoos don’t really hurt as bad as people say...

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.” ~ Robert Muller

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~ Lewis B. Smedes

Alone.

First night away from home and all alone. I haven't slept alone in over a decade. The bed is too big. I'm so tired from moving yet I cant sleep. All I can do is stare at the empty space beside me. 

I sure hope this ache goes away. I can't live like this forever...